he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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