if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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