if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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