first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
