wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
