Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
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Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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