so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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