Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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