Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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