Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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