Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize