i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
