Jerry, you need to find god
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All I want is dick and wine.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
