I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
