My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
