we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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