I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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