Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
