I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
