dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
