If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
im on a boat
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