Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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