when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
