Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
