a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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