I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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