3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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