I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
