somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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