I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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