it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
