if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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