Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
