So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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