I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
