Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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