I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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