Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
