I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
