sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize