Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
