just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
