you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
MIDGETS
????
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
