hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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