Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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