just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
