look no pants
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
