Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
