I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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