A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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