i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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