i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
