eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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