I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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