dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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