so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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